It’s been a rough few weeks and I’ve been contemplating if I should even write this post or even continue with this blog. Then I remembered that the primary reason I looked into the Iris system was to increase the security and safety for my family and to share my experience.
So this post has nothing to do with the Iris system but how I had to deal with a situation when we couldn’t secure the safety of our daughter. Iris couldn’t prevent the car that hit and killed my three year old daughter on 10/6/13 while crossing the street with grandma at hand, but I can tell you a little piece that helped me to get back to normal life (even though it will never be the same) when something horrible like this happens.
This is the news video that summarized what happened.
There was so much that happened to us that I hope no one will ever experience, like answering the head physician who oversaw an emergency room filled with doctors and nurses, if they should bring my wife in to watch the last effort to save our child’s life, and to picking the burial plot big enough for my child and mother on her request.
There’s also the craziness of knowing how people are so willing to provide inaccurate account of the event to news reporters, and ZERO was willing to be a witness for the police report.
Then there’s the driver, and the laws surrounding the situation. I still don’t understand how someone who was either reckless or oblivious to his surrounding gets only TWO TICKETS when they have killed someone.
As you can see there has been so much that happen that getting back to normal was just another hurdle to overcome. While there’s very little people can say that really helps, but I did find that there were many who would say to me “be strong” or “it will get easier with time”. I can tell you that those two statements are half true.
I had a notion this means to not cry, or look brave. As much I like to say I did, there were times I shed tears and was overcome with sadness. It’s impossible for anybody to be just strong. I think it needs to be re-parse to say something along the lines that we need to get stronger.
For example, at first telling people what happened was tremendously hard. I know the first few people I’ve spoken to over the phone can tell I was crying on the line. I’ve then spoke to police where I had choked up a few times. Eventually I can tell someone like if it was an event that happened a few years ago, until they find out it was few weeks and is shocked.
It will get easier with time:
The statement sounds like it will just get less emotional with time, but its only for events you have already experienced, but anything new later in the future will still be painful.
Like the example before, I had to repeat what happen over enough so that it didn’t hurt as much later. Which makes the statement true but only for that situation. This doesn’t mean everything is easier. There are still little emotional land mines that gets us over and over again. You just never know when the next one will go off. Like sorting through clothing to be donated was extremely difficult, as well as finding books that I use to read before bedtime. Those situations are kind of expected but I didn’t expect that explaining how I’m able to keep my composure regarding what happen and by replying that “I feel like I need to keep moving” cause me to choke up and lose my composure, (Oh well) or telling a someone how our daughter was able to start singing loudly the “The wheel on the bus” song on the public bus while going to grandma’s house can bring tears.
I started to notice the pattern that doing the hard emotional stuff everyday eventually gets easier, but if you’re not willing to go through it in the first place it will forever be difficult. I first notice this when I talked to my wife. She had later needed to explain our situation and told me how difficult it was to do so, while I was already explaining it like if it was last weeks news article. She also later express the same experience where it got easier too.
Going back to those two statements “be strong” and “it will get easier with time”. To me it really needs to be one statement to somehow express that you need to be strong and fully allow yourself to feel pain, grief, and sadness before it will get better. If you don’t you’ll be paralyzed and be stuck grieving, and not move on in life.
I don’t think we will ever fully recover from this missing piece in our life, but we’ve come to accept that this happened and move forward.
I hope this may help someone who’s also going through the same situation and we’re also in the process to hopefully make the streets a little safer so other families wouldn’t have to experience this type of tragedy either.
We’ll forever miss you Allison!
I hope the stories are true and you’re a princess in the havens now.
Another example of what we needed to do to get stronger. (It was so hard to do)